I'm listening to Saul give Katriel some Xopenex in the next room and man, I am so pissed. I'm pissed because it was only TWO WEEKS AGO that we CAME HOME from the hospital AGAIN after having been in just THREE WEEKS before that. I'm really, really aggravated. Why is this so difficult? I just don't understand why this child has to be so sick, so often, or any child for that matter. I try to think of the positives and I do: here's a list.
1. We've been told by her doctors (and I believe the reasoning) that cough-variant asthma is milder than asthma that causes wheezing. It's known that folks with cough-variant asthma don't get proper TREATMENT because most docs are only really listening for wheezing, but it still is supposed to be milder. If you are interested to know why, ask me sometime. It's too much to try to explain here (and I wouldn't want someone to stumble on this while they are playing Dr. Google or something).
2. She has asthma, not cancer, not developmental disorders, not "the big stuff". (although, yes, I know, asthma is big stuff) She can live a reasonably normal life.
3. Asthma is treatable. Her meds work reasonably well - problem is that this time of year they usually have to be strong enough to land her in the hospital for a few days.
And there are more. I know there are. But right now I sit here and I'm tired. I'm more and more frustrated with each "sounds-like-an-emphysemic-old-man-cough" that comes from her little body as she tries to rest. I'm grateful that my job is so wonderful about me needing to take erratic leave, and that they give me the opportunity to work weekends so I can save the comp time for the holidays and not have to take LWOP. I'm grateful that Saul is a nurse and understands (and complies fully) with her maintenance and treatment plans. This little girl has the world on her side. It'll just be nice to see a day when her physical issues give way to let her live a truly less complicated life.
And to think that there are days when we are handing her a nebulizer every two hours and she just takes it. She doesn't complain, she doesn't say "no", she just does it. I mean, if it were me, after a couple of times I'd just want to tell you to shove it up your ass - but she does it. She's an angel. If God has a quota of garbage he's gotta give his peeps every so often, I trust He knows what He's doing when he's passing this stuff out.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Gearing up for Christmahanukwanzakah...
It's Sunday, and it's a Sunday I'm choosing not to work. That means - FOOD! I have potato soup going in the crock-pot and I just finished making homemade marshmallows. Oh yes! Alton Brown has a fantastic recipe that doesn't use eggs. Word to the wise - you must have a stand mixer, and if you have any reservations about the durability/reliability of said mixer I don't recommend trying to make marshmallows. Basically, you beat the heated candy mixture on high speed for 12-15 minutes (according to the recipe, although my batch only took 10 minutes) and all the whipping makes the marshmallow fluffy and white. A small portion set up rather quickly on the beater and I tasted it - WOW! It just melts in your mouth.
I also played around with card designs for our holiday cards this year...
Friday, November 20, 2009
I almost forgot...
While I am on the subject of losing/gaining weight, which is almost
always on my mind, I have Katriel to keep me grounded. Last night, she
told me "You're so pretty, mommy. Someday I am going to have a big
belly like you!". It surprised me so much, and I had a million things
run through my mind at once, like, "You don't want a big belly like me!"
but I fought the urge and gave her a huge hug, thanking her, instead.
She will learn as she grows up that overweight people are ostracized by
people, even those they love at times, and she doesn't need to hear it
from me. I secretly find myself hoping that she doesn't get my genes
that make it so easy to gain weight, because I don't want her to feel
the sting. And I have NO TOLERANCE should she ever judge someone based
on their body - it is a lesson she's already been taught and she will
tell you that someone "is pretty no matter what they wear or how they do
their hair." When she was very, very little, I used to make her look in
the mirror and say that to herself, "I'm pretty, no matter what
I wear or how I do my hair," and still do occasionally ask her what we
say about being pretty as I'm brushing her hair, etc.
I am so incredibly moved that my daughter uses me as her role model that
even aspires to someday be fat like me. I don't mean that to be funny,
I'm dead serious. So my wake-up call just came running through the
station like a speeding freight train. She needs to understand that
health is important, and a healthy body will help me (and her too, but
believe me, weight is no issue for this little child) live longer - and
she needs ME to teach her that by not staying fat. Not TELLING her, but
SHOWING her. And I have to keep that resolve, because she needs her mom
for a long, long time so I better stick around.
always on my mind, I have Katriel to keep me grounded. Last night, she
told me "You're so pretty, mommy. Someday I am going to have a big
belly like you!". It surprised me so much, and I had a million things
run through my mind at once, like, "You don't want a big belly like me!"
but I fought the urge and gave her a huge hug, thanking her, instead.
She will learn as she grows up that overweight people are ostracized by
people, even those they love at times, and she doesn't need to hear it
from me. I secretly find myself hoping that she doesn't get my genes
that make it so easy to gain weight, because I don't want her to feel
the sting. And I have NO TOLERANCE should she ever judge someone based
on their body - it is a lesson she's already been taught and she will
tell you that someone "is pretty no matter what they wear or how they do
their hair." When she was very, very little, I used to make her look in
the mirror and say that to herself, "I'm pretty, no matter what
I wear or how I do my hair," and still do occasionally ask her what we
say about being pretty as I'm brushing her hair, etc.
I am so incredibly moved that my daughter uses me as her role model that
even aspires to someday be fat like me. I don't mean that to be funny,
I'm dead serious. So my wake-up call just came running through the
station like a speeding freight train. She needs to understand that
health is important, and a healthy body will help me (and her too, but
believe me, weight is no issue for this little child) live longer - and
she needs ME to teach her that by not staying fat. Not TELLING her, but
SHOWING her. And I have to keep that resolve, because she needs her mom
for a long, long time so I better stick around.
Oh boy... Scary
Hmm... It's been 5 weeks since my mother-in-law passed away and I've gained 10 pounds. My scale justs reads "STRESS EAT MUCH??" instead of a number. Granted, it's not a great time of month to weigh myself, but that's fucking tragic (to me). I ran my ass off to lose 25 pounds last year, only to have gained almost 20 of it back. Grr! I'm trying to break some bad habits today and drinking more Gatorade (G2) and not each so much. I am frustrated that I don't have time to go to the gym now that I have to pick up Katriel every day from school. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing my mommy duties - they are the most important in my life. Really. But I sure miss when Saul and I could share the duty so I could go to the gym.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Dammit! Low-carbin' it SUCKS!
OK, I recognize that I'm being a big 'ol whiny baby about this. After all, I've been low-carbing for 9 whole hours (shut up) and already have a poor attitude. As a matter of fact, I changed my mind that I am trying the Carb Addict's Diet instead of Atkins (6 hours into my no-carb day) just so I can have the dang hour-long window for sugar. Sweet, sweet sugar, baby. Somehow this is supposed to "curb my cravings" and eventually they will "disappear" (apparently they have no idea who they are dealing with).
Today I've already eaten:
1 piece string cheese
1 piece colby cheese
3 (yes, 3) "sticks" of Cracker Barrel Cheese (not the big blocks, who do you think I am?? I'm talking about the 1 oz. sticks)
A grilled chicken breast
A small handful of deli roast beef
Honestly, I'm just dreaming of a Hershey bar. A sweet, smooth, brown... Oh, sorry. Anyway, I stashed one in my purse for after my "reward" dinner because after all, I am an ADDICT, right? And perhaps I am not the only one here, but it seems weird to call a meal a "reward" because food specifically called a reward makes me think of rats and levers. Let me just PUSH THIS LEVER OVER HERE...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Damn, Everybody's Sick Today
Soooo... yesterday the family had a lot of fun going to Baltimore to visit some wonderful friends, and through most of the day I felt like I had a bug coming on. By nightfall, I really felt bad - scratchy throat, sinus headache, that kind of thing, and now today Katriel seems to be sick. She doesn't have a fever, but is coughing some. I really need to go to work tomorrow because (and this is a good one) there is a meeting I am supposed to go to that my boss KNOWS I don't want to go to so I'm afraid I'll be seen as wimping out of that situation. I hope that she's not getting too sick and if she is that Saul can take off a day to take her to the doc.
Today I have been laying in bed knitting my sweater and watching PR on the computer. I finished the grocery shopping this morning so it's been pretty laid back the rest of the day. Looking at my blog posts, I realize that it's been a whole year since I bought the yarn for this sweater - I'm a little more than halfway done the hood, and have the ribbing trim and construction left to go. Home stretch!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
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